Struggles

I have dealt with anxiety and depression all my life. My father is to thank for the anxiety part of it, or so I believe. He prepares for worst case scenarios (because you always have to have a plan), wakes up at 5 a.m. in the morning to start thinking of all he has to accomplish during his day (yes, even still at 66), and he has been known to walk out of movie theaters halfway through a movie, not because he wanted a refund for a terrible show, but because he believed there was more he could be doing with his time. How I wish I could be carefree and not feel like my world is going to collapse if I don’t have a plan! When I was teaching, I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking about my classes, always wanting things to be planned perfectly. Housework? If I thought the weekly cleaning wasn’t going to be completed by the time I thought it should, I would completely freeze and melt down. My slight OCD plays a part in this as well. There must be an order to everything and I must follow that order. I even have an order by which I clean my house. All of room A must be complete before I can move on to room B, and B NEVER gets cleaned before A. And of course, there is the social anxiety I deal with from time to time. I received acute shyness from my mom (who hid underneath furniture as a little girl when guests would come over to their house). Even now, when someone has to call in a take-out order, I avoid it at all cost! In middle school, my brother made me cry because he forced me to go into a grocery store to buy orange juice to take home and I didn’t want to interact with the check-out lady. I am also a thinker and to me, there always needs to be clarification to any question. For this reason, I hate interviews. It’s not because I don’t believe I have a product to sell, but because I dread not knowing the questions ahead of time because I need the luxury of time to thoughtfully think about my answers. I don’t do “off the cuff”. For instance, I was once asked in an interview what my favorite book was (I taught English), but to me, there’s a ton of qualifiers to that question and I always feel like I need clarification. How am I supposed to pull out one single book of all time? Are you asking according to genre? Time period? A particular movement? And I feel dumb that I have to clarify questions because I always see more than one answer, or if I have to take a moment or two to think through my answer. Maybe I should just have my stock selections ahead of time and not care about clarification…just give an answer…but I like to be thorough and genuine. It just takes time for me to process and get the answer back out of my mouth. I’ve been labeled “snotty” and “stuck-up” by people who don’t know me very well thanks to my shyness. I have very strong facial features and when I am quiet a lot, people tend to find me intimidating or rude. If I have ever not returned one of your phone calls, it’s not because I don’t like you, but because talking on the phone stresses me out.

How in the world did I become a teacher, you may wonder. A job that makes you multi-task like a circus clown doing a juggling act, a job that makes you throw plan A out the window alongside plan B because it’s not working and coming up with a new plan on the spot, a job that makes you stand up in front of 25 high school students staring at you while you talk, and taking charge at the same time if any of them crosses you. I have no answer to that except divine intervention. I’m a different person when I walk in the classroom and God gives me the coping mechanisms I need to not only complete my job, but enjoy it.

So depression too? I think that stems from the anxiety. When I reach the point where I can’t handle my anxiety anymore, I become depressed. The best way I feel that I can deal with a situation is to sleep. There are times when depression sets in for no reason. The whole “Bev, what’s wrong?” – “I don’t know” scenario. I have an awesome life. I hold onto my faith, my husband, my beautiful daughter, my strong support group, but sometimes it’s unavoidable. People often say, “Just think positive thoughts,” “Count your blessings,” “It’s all in your head,” “Just be happy.” It’s as if they think I can flip a switch in my brain. The problem isn’t that I’m not thinking positively, or have lost sight of being extremely blessed, or that I’m “sad”. I also hate when I hear people say that something is very wrong if a Christian is depressed and that I shouldn’t allow myself to feel this way, as if I have a choice. Some of the most Godly examples such as Job and David suffered bouts of depression.

A few years back, I was put on medication to help deal with my anxiety. It definitely worked, but I hated the whole “cloudy” feeling it gave my head. I wouldn’t feel anxious or depressed, but I also seemed to not be able to experience excitement. Everything was just a mediocre reaction. The medication didn’t last long as I decided I’d rather deal with the anxiety and depression on my own than not be able to experience a wide range of emotions.

Writing used to help me deal when I struggled with bouts of depression, but I have lost my motivation to write much in the past five or six years. As soon as I receive a new wind of inspiration, it leaves me just as quickly.

So today, and yesterday, and the day before have been hard for me. I know the storm won’t last much longer as it usually passes by within days, but if I have ever seemed not interested in talking to you, or don’t make much sense, or take too much time, or need clarification when answering your questions, or constantly let phone calls go to voice mail, please know that it’s nothing personal.

This has been therapeutic.

How Life Keeps Changing

I’m not nursing anymore. In fact, I haven’t been nursing since Elizabeth was about seven weeks. I hate telling people when they ask, because more often than not I get the “aww, you poor thing, I feel so sorry for you” look as well as a giant list of troubleshooting options that I should have tried. They so desperately wanted me not to “give up”. I gently tell them that I’m not “giving up”, but rather making a decision to stop because it is in the best interest of my family. I did see a lactation consultant and we were doing everything “right”. It just wasn’t working!

It’s hard to make someone understand the difficulty of nursing Elizabeth when their own sweet child was a picture-perfect nurser, who was calmed just by lying in their mother’s arms. My little jelly bean kicked and squirmed and cried and dislatched (I know I’m making a word up here, but you get the point) about thirty times per feeding. She was not happy and I was not happy. It was so stressful trying to feed her that I would often cry when I knew it was time for her to eat. How was I supposed to bond with my sweet pea when I hated life? There of course were other factors involved in my decision, but this was the overpowering one! We switched to the bottle and she continued her fussy eating. After a visit to the pediatrician’s office, we put Elizabeth on formula that was for lactose sensitivity. It cleared the fussy mealtimes. However, she still moves her head around all over the place when she eats and the only way I know how to describe it is that she sees something moving on the ceiling at an incredibly fast pace, zig-zagging about and she is intent on following it around the room. It makes keeping the bottle in her mouth a challenge and stretches feedings out to forty-five minutes, but that is heaven compared to what I was experiencing with her in the past.

She’s getting ready to turn 12 weeks on Friday and here are some of the cool things Brent and I enjoy about her:

We can make her smile.

We can make her laugh (on occasion).

She talks back to us (I know this will mean something different when she’s 13).

She goes to bed at 7 and sleeps until Brent wakes her up at 10:30 for a final bottle, and then she sleeps until about 7. I no longer have to get up to feed her in the middle of the night! I’m not sure how long I should wait until I start backing her 10:30 feeding up to get to the 7-7 schedule. All I know is that for the past two weeks I’ve gotten 9 hours of sleep at night and I’m not ready to tamper with that just yet!

She takes three naps a day. The first is in the morning and usually stretches to three hours, at which time I wake her because it has been five hours since she ate last. I wonder how long she would sleep if I didn’t wake her. She has an hour long afternoon nap and a forty-five minute evening nap!

Elizabeth hates tummy time, and I’m lucky if I can get her to hang out on her belly for longer than a minute before she starts screaming bloody murder. My child may be late to hold her head up completely on her own and crawl!

For my own sanity, I make a meal plan each week. I always planned in my head what we would be eating for the week, but now I have each meal of the day written out so I get only what I need at the grocery store. We buy a ton of chicken from Costco and prep and freeze it so we have ready-to-make meals that just need to be thawed the night before. Some of our regular rotation: stir-fry, fajitas, homemade pot pie, BBQ chip chicken.

Since my last M4M meeting, I have been on a mission to cut out as much processed food as possible and have been on a war against high fructose corn syrup. I’ve always known it was bad for your body, but when I found out that they use mercury to extract it from the corn, I decided I was done.

I always read labels at the grocery store before, but mostly for its nutritional content. Now I read it for the ingredients. It’s hard to buy things without HFCS! We basically now eat meats, fruits and veggies, whole grain bread, pasta, and dairy. I try to get things that are as close to their natural state as possible…which means no more boxed snacks. Also, gone are the days of canned veggies. Fresh frozen is my preferred choice since it doesn’t have preservatives in them and they were “picked” at their highest nutritional peak! Of course, there’s still a load of crap we have in our pantry so we’re eating all that stuff so it doesn’t go to waste. I will never be a super health freak, and I will still order that pizza one night a week, but I am much more conscious now than I ever was. How can I expect to teach my daughter healthy eating habits if I can’t get my own under control. The problem probably stemmed from the fact that I’ve never had to watch what I eat so I’ve never felt like I had motivation to be careful. Now it’s not about the appearance on the outside, but the health on the inside! Again, I’m not a super health freak, so when you see me grab some cookies to go along with my glass of milk, don’t reprimand me!

P90X dvds are lurking on my kitchen counter staring at me every day. They are already intimidating me and I haven’t even started yet. Putting it off as long as possible is my game plan right now, because I know once I start, I have to commit, and everyone keeps telling me how much I’m going to hate life once I start.

In other random news, I’m finally watching LOST. Never was I ever interested in the show while it aired on TV. My brother and dad really got into it when it first started and I thought the whole idea sounded like it should have been made a movie instead of a television show. When they began to air the previews for the final season, I finally said to myself, this look interesting…and that’s when I began with season one. (By the way, my brother and dad quit before the first season was over because they found it too far fetched) I’m totally hooked!!! Brent and I just started season 2 and are honestly glad we’re watching it on DVD so we don’t have to wait week to week to find out what happens. I LOVE a good mystery!

The Shot Show is in Vegas this year so if I can stand to leave Elizabeth for several nights with my mom, I might be meeting Brent out there for half of his trip!

Ahhhhhhhhh…it’s that time of year. Halloween is right around the corner, followed by Thanksgiving, then Christmas. I love it!

FivePointFive

Five and a half weeks later and here is what I’ve learned:



Having time to shave my legs is a luxury.

When I get ready to brush my teeth at night, there is the startling realization that I never did it that morning.

Poop and gas has never been as funny as it is now. It’s amazing how much I don’t care if I get poop, pee, spit-up, or any other bodily fluid on me.

I'm lucky if I know what day of the week it is…or what month I'm in.

I am so exhausted I can’t remember anything and I incorrectly do things I’ve been doing most of my life…like putting on my underwear…except now I manage to put it on inside out. Not the first time this has happened, but certainly the first time that the mistake wasn’t caught almost immediately. Instead, inside-out underwear gets worn for a full day.

I can go an entire week without stepping foot outside the house. Not even to get the mail.

The list of people wanting to come over to visit keeps getting longer and it’s becoming overwhelming. It’s not that I don’t want to see my friends or hang out with anyone, but it’s just such an effort to make it through the day without having to coordinate a visit around nursing/naptime especially since I’m trying to get Elizabeth in a set routine. I’m also so jealous of any time I have to myself at this point that it’s hard for me to give up that time just yet, especially when my house hasn’t been vacuumed in two weeks, there’s a mound of dishes in the sink, and no matter how many loads of laundry I complete, there’s always more lurking around the corner. I will eventually catch up with the other friends/moms in my life, but I need Elizabeth’s routine and my own routine to become stable before I attempt to visit or have visitors. It stresses me out just thinking about it and I hope my friends know it is nothing personal. I’m not one of those moms that has a baby and then has it all together by 6 weeks postpartum.

You find that you and your spouse have little to talk about except the baby.

Brent coming home from work at the end of the day is the highlight. Not because I’m ready to pawn of Fussy McFarlin to him, but because I enjoy knowing that I have the backup if I need it.

Trying to eat healthy is a challenge. Dinnertime is the easiest/healthiest meal to prepare because I have Brent here to help. However, some days you just don’t have the time to prepare something great and nutritious for breakfast or lunch because you might not get a break!

I have become one of those moms that lets 90% of her status updates be about her kid!

No matter what, the baby will always begin to cry as you put the first bite of breakfast, lunch, or dinner in your mouth.

Even though I fit into all my pre-pregnancy clothes, I have yet to take a shower and put any on (unless I’m being forced to go out of the house). My day is just so much easier in a pair of pajama pants and one of Brent’s T-shirts. (If I wasn’t nursing, I would probably wear normal clothes. For now, it is just too much of a hassle).

When you have a baby, you join an unofficial club. I can’t even begin to tell you all of the old friendships that have been rekindled because we share that one thing in common. I have enjoyed catching up with long-lost friends.

The one time in my life I actually need a day at the spa is the one time in my life I can’t afford it.

Last, but not least…..as all of my friends told me when I started this journey, it has started to “get better”. I’m not there yet, and I don’t expect to be any time soon, but what a difference five and a half weeks can make!

Labor of Love

Now, before you crucify me, let me first start by saying that I love my sweet Elizabeth and know she is a gift from God…

…but in the words of my friend Jewel, “Motherhood totally kicked my butt!” and of course, it’s only been two weeks for me. I have spent most of my days since coming home from the hospital in tears wishing my old life back when things were much simpler, I got plenty of rest, I could come and go as I pleased, and I was, well, pretty much number one. There is the constant looming of regret of things that I wish Brent and I would have done before this big change…places we should have gone, dates we should have had together…and the list goes on.

I also vowed I would not have any more kids. Not because I don’t want my big family, but because I don’t think I could go through the “process” again of getting them! My mom reminded me that I shouldn’t evaluate my situation as I am going through the storm of the first weeks...and it is a storm. My hospital stay was 5 days of no sleep before coming home to miss out on even more sleep, a long, bumpy labor, a child with an IV in her head receiving antibiotics for 48 hours after birth, and a physical healing that seems to be taking a very long time (I just visited the doctor this past week to receive antibiotics for my new friend, Mr. UTI) Brent reminds me to stop regretting what could have been done in the past and look forward to our family’s future together. He and my mother are very wise.

Oh yes, there is no amount of literature or stories from friends to prepare you for bringing a baby home. I dream of the good old days of having to get up every two hours just to pee and drinking a bottle of Mylanta every night just to take the edge off of the acid living in my throat. Those are the honeymoon days. Even labor and delivery of the baby is extremely easy, in my opinion, to the aftermath that is soon to follow.

Let me tell you, I am a much different person writing this entry today than I would have been a week ago when I really wanted to write it. I think God didn’t allow me the time to write to spare me from saying some things that I might have regretted later on!

So…let me go back in time. Brent and I decided a month before Elizabeth’s due date that we wanted to try a natural birth. It was kind of late in the game, but we were determined to make it happen. We read the Bradley book, did our exercises, and talked with friends who had previously gone natural. Some of my friends warned me, as did literature I read, not to hold on too closely to a birth plan because often times things change and we can’t control it. That was the case with us.

About three weeks before my due date, I went to the doctor for my usual check-up to see how far I was dilated and effaced. I was expecting the exam to be uncomfortable, but nothing could have prepared me for the extreme pain that came my way. It literally felt like a butcher knife was being shoved inside of me. I remember barely making it to my car before I just sat and cried over the shock of pain I had just experienced. I’ve never experienced pain that has made me cry (childhood aside).

That made me dread what I thought was going to be my next to last appointment before my due date (a week and a half before we were expecting Elizabeth). For whatever reason that I can’t remember now, Brent was able to make it to my appointment. I warned my doctor how painful the last exam was, and sure enough, the pain was excruciating once again. I mutilated Brent’s hand, almost came off the table, and listened to my doctor say she couldn’t understand why I was experiencing so much pain.

Because my amniotic fluid levels had been low the previous few weeks and it was time for another ultrasound anyway to track Elizabeth’s growth, the doctor decided to try and work me in for an ultrasound that day. They were able work me in, thankfully, and discovered that my level was at 6.4! That was down from the safe level of 11 I had, had the week before. They consider below 5 extremely dangerous because the umbilical cord can become pinched between her body and mine cutting off her supply of “oxygen” and nutrition.

So the news Brent and I were not prepared for…

”I’m sending you to have direct admission to the hospital because we need to pump fluids through you right away.”

“Okay, so then we’ll be coming home the next day?”

“No, we’re going to induce you gradually. You won’t be going home until you have the baby.” (This was Wednesday and they said I probably wouldn’t have her until maybe Friday, and then of course the 48 hours they make you stay at the hospital after delivery.)

Brent and I rushed home to grab our hospital bag, stopped at Chik-fil-a for lunch (which we ate in the car on the way to the hospital), and headed to Winnie Palmer.

I already saw my dreams of a natural non-medicated childbirth floating away. If you know anything about the Bradley method, relaxation is the key. Now that I needed to have an IV from the first day I entered into the hospital with fluids continuously flowing through me that made me have to use the bathroom every hour, it was going to be a challenge spending time on the birthing ball, resting, and getting comfortable. I was also hooked up to a fetal monitor and contraction monitor. On top of that, I would no longer be able to use the spa tub in my room to labor in until my water broke…something to which I was really looking forward.

The cherry on the pie? Knowing that I had a long…looooong labor ahead of me. However, in spite of this, I was still going to try. I have a high tolerance for pain.

Wednesday afternoon I was taken to the ante-natal unit of Winnie Palmer and hooked up to the IV. The first step of induction was not through my IV like I thought it would be. Cervidil is medication put right next to your uterus to start the induction process…which meant another exam…which meant me crying uncontrollably from the pain as the nurse had to do two “exams” back to back. Because I was hooked up to three different things and the residual pain from the exam wouldn’t go away, Brent had to help me get “unplugged” from the monitors, get out of bed, cart my IV stand to the bathroom and help me get back in bed…every hour… Of course, I had to keep track for the nurses how many milliliters I was drinking and how much I was expending.

The tech nurse came in every two hours to check my blood pressure and temperature.

I didn’t sleep that night.

Thursday morning at 5 a.m. the nurse came to start my second round of Cervidil, which meant taking out the old medicine pack and, yes, putting a new one in. Torture. What she found was that my body couldn’t handle another round of Cervidil and I needed to be taken to a labor and delivery room to start the Pitocin. The good news was Pitocin is given through IV. The bad news was that they would continue to check my dilation and effacement until I was ready to deliver.

Once I got to the labor and delivery room I was no longer allowed to eat. I could have a cup of ice chips, popsicle, chicken broth, or apple juice every hour. To be honest, at this point in my labor, I wasn’t really experiencing much pain, just fatigue and annoyance from having to have so much help moving around and getting up to use the restroom every hour. Brent and I spent time walking the halls and hanging out on the birthing ball, practicing my deep breathing with every contraction.

That’s when my doctor came in to see how I was progressing…I started crying before the exam started and said I didn’t think I could do it…but I had to. In reality, that type of exam only lasts 15 seconds, but when you experience the type of pain I experienced, it felt like an hour. This was the worst of them all. I arched my back, clawed Brent’s arm and was beyond crying…I actually screamed at the top of my lungs for her to please stop over and over again. I was so loud that nurses from that floor came running into my room because they didn’t know what was going on. The doctor then told me she would be back in two hours to break my water to speed things up.

After the doctor left and I gained my composure, I looked at Brent and apologized for the fact that I needed an epidural…ironically not because of the “pain of labor”, but because I couldn’t face another exam…

I got the walking epidural, but after an hour was confined to my bed because one of my legs went completely numb. Brent helped me get up every hour to drag myself to the bathroom from all the fluids.

Thankfully my water broke before the doctor came back to break it. Every exam that followed I didn’t feel.

My mom arrived from Asheville, NC around 4:30 that afternoon. I had already been in labor for 25 hours and was so thankful to see her. The decision of whether or not to let her be in the labor and delivery room when I had Elizabeth was one I hadn’t decided on…until I saw her that afternoon. She didn’t mind either way. Part of it was because of the modesty issue, and as silly as it sounds, part of it was because she didn’t know I had tattoos which she obviously would see at some point during delivery. If you know my parents, you know why this was a big deal. My family is very traditional and I think my parents would die if they knew that I had them. Of course, the bigger issue was me just feeling like I had disappointed them in some way…Brent kept reminding me when I was trying to make the decision to tell her that I am almost 30 years old and not living under my parent’s roof anymore and if they are disappointed or upset with me, then that was just silly. So I told her…and she took it well, which made it so much easier on me not trying to conceal them while she was in the room. Now I knew for sure she was going to stay for the delivery (I’m glad she was able to. She told me later that was one of the highlights of her life!)

During the long hours of the night all three of us tried to sleep. Mom in her chair, Brent in his, and me in my bed. I couldn’t sleep of course because I couldn’t get comfortable because of the IV, fetal monitor, contraction monitor, and at this point I was hooked up to a catheter since I was longer able to get out of bed to use the restroom. The nurses and doctors kept coming in to check on me. I was also hooked up to an automatic blood pressure cuff that took my blood pressure every 10 minutes…so there I lay.

Friday morning, 35 hours into labor. The nurse said that the fetal heart rate was low and they needed to see more activity so they put me on oxygen. After 10 minutes of the oxygen, I had acid reflux so bad that I thought I was going to vomit. I took the mask off and attempted to keep it down. Thankfully I was successful.

After 39 hours of labor, they finally said I was 10 cm and 100% effaced. It was push time…

…and that’s when someone somehow let my epidural run out. I spent 45 minutes of labor at 10 cm and 100% effacement without any pain killer. It definitely hurt, but I think coping would have been easier if I had been mobile and could practice the relaxation exercises.

Let me be very honest…labor pain was nothing compared to the exam pain I had experienced. I would take 45 minutes of that kind of labor pain, every day for a month, than go through a single 15 second exam ever again!

So…once that was corrected..push time! After about 10 minutes of pushing, the acid reflux came back so the doctor ordered hospital strength antacid (my third dose since being in the hospital). During our break from pushing, I felt like I was going to vomit again, and this time I knew it wasn’t going to stay down. My mom brought the vomit dish over and I held it under my mouth and I started heaving. I filled that dish up as well as part of second. I didn’t look, but Brent told me it looked like bile (probably since I hadn’t eaten in 30 something hours). Once that episode passed, I was feeling better and ready to start pushing again.

The tech came in to check on me and discovered I was now running a fever of 101 degrees. This can happen when your water has been broken for as long as mine was without the delivery of the baby. Your body tries to fight possible infection. My mom’s job during delivery was continually putting a cold wet washcloth on my face.

41 hours later, Elizabeth was born! She too had a slight fever so aside from me getting to hold her for 30 seconds immediately after birth and then again for 2 minutes after they cleaned her up, they took her to the nursery to start antibiotics. She had an IV stuck to her head the whole time she was in the hospital.

They didn’t bring Elizabeth to me again until 6 hours later…

By the time I was able to leave the hospital 48 hours later, I had slept maybe a total of 5 hours, off and on, over the past 5 days. The first thing I did when I got home was take a nap...but even that only lasted an hour and a half…because when you are breastfeeding your baby, you have to be available every time they are hungry. It’s quite a sacrifice! I’ve already wanted to give up on that several times because of the initial pain and the interrupted sleep (as opposed to letting someone else feed your baby with a bottle while you sleep), but Brent keeps reminding me it’s the best thing for her and I just need to stick it out.

The first week and a half home has been difficult. I couldn’t move around very well because of stitches I had received and all the other blood and gore that other women who have had babies know about. At random times, I would bawl my eyes out and claim “I can’t do this!!! This is the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life!!”

Almost two weeks later and I am on antibiotics for a UTI…

It’s been day 19 since I’ve had more than 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep and I honestly don’t know how I haven’t gotten sick, but I guess God gives women the immunity they need to get past it.

I know that some women experience worse labor ordeals than I did, but mine was anything but normal. I look at pictures of women holding their babies right when they get back to the recovery room and they have make-up on and their hair is all fixed and they have a smile on their face….and I laugh…because that’s how I thought it was going to be for me. I thought I would want visitors while I was at the hospital and if not then, at least by the point I returned home. My dad was even denied visiting time one day while he was in Orlando because I wasn’t emotionally stable enough.

Brent has been a tremendous help and I don’t think I could have crossed this bridge with anyone else but him. My mom was here for two weeks as well cooking and preparing all of our meals and keeping an eye on Elizabeth when she went down for a nap so I could take a nap as well. I am forever indebted to both of them.

I still feel like labor and delivery was a breeze compared to the first two weeks home…and there are still many more sleepless nights and obstacles to come. I could definitely do the labor and delivery part again, even with the bumps I had to deal with...it's the recovery and first weeks home that have me discouraged. Maybe a year from now two weeks will seem like such a small amount of time that I may consider having a second one. Teenagers are my comfort zone. Babies, not so much. If I could birth out a 3 year old, we would be in business…but for now, in the words of my brother, “One and done!”

May and June...and a little July

Here I am trying once again to remember all of the highlights over the past few months. There have been several big things, but we'll start with all the baby showers that I have been blessed with. Unfortunately I don't have a ton of pictures to share all of the stories. At the end of the school year, the English department was gracious enough to throw a shower for me! I recieved lots of cute things for baby, encouraging words, and one last time to "hang out" with all of the ladies at Master's Academy. My sweet AP Literature class also threw a small shower for me as well. It was so thoughtful of them to even consider spending their time, money, and efforts to support me in this way! June held the shower from my small group. What an overwhelming experience. Most that know me know that I do not like to be the center of attention (yes, I know, I'm a teacher...but being in the classroom is a totally different experience for me!). I ended the day with lots of goodies, fun times, and a stress headache! It was worth it though. Over to Melbourne...my Aunts had a small celebration for me before we left on vacation, and while on vacation, all of Brent's family and friends from the North had a shower for me as well! God has truly blessed our family....

Okay, rewind just a little bit to the end of May or as I call it, the end to a very significant chapter in my life. I have known nothing but school for the past 25 years...either I was a student or a teacher. Working at the Master's Academy truly was my dream job and it was a very hard day handing in my key and walking away from it all. However, I know I'm walking toward something that will be even more enriching...motherhood!

My "kids" as I always call them graduated this year so it was like I was graduating with them. Here are some shots from the graduation ceremony:

This is our valedictorian: Michelle Berg

Coach Pitts and I getting ready to announce the names for the kids to receive their diplomas.

The whole graduating class anxious to get that piece of paper in their hands.

I love this picture of Jon Birkmire over the left...he is truly basking in his accomplishments!

I just received my College Board AP Literature score sheet and had a 92% pass rate with lots of 4's and 5's. My kids worked hard and deserved the success that they experienced! I am so proud of them.

In June we took our usual 2 week vacation to visit family up North and escape to the Ocean City beach house. We had a wonderful time...once we got to all of our destinations...but all the driving we did made me not want to make this trip again for another few years. We hit Asheville for a night, on to Ocean City for a week, over to Tabernacle for half a week, and down to Charelston for the remainder of our trip.

Needless to say, vacation is great, but there always comes that time where you are just ready to get home. Being pregnant, it was difficult to sleep in just about any bed we had other than our own. That was my favorite part about getting home. I slept very well that first night back.

My mom had come down before vacation to help me make sense of the nursery. She is such a great organizer and we spent several days cleaning out closets and making room for all of the stuff that was just sitting on the floor in Elizabeth's room. Of course, when we got back from vacation and the shower we had up North, we could no longer see the carpet anymore. Thankfully, Becca came down for a short stay and helped me get things back in order as well as run errands! She also cooked for Brent and I several days/nights which was a huge blessing...she is an amazing cook!

As far as doctor's visits go, my 31 week visit caused some controversy because I hadn't gained a ton of weight up until that point. The nurse practitioner said that Elizabeth was measuring small so she ordered an ultrasound. We discovered everything was okay even though she was in the 26th percentile for weight. The doctor ordered another ultrasound and wanted me to meet with a doctor on my next visit. When I went back a few weeks later, the doctor looked at me and then at Brent and kind of laughed because she didn't expect we would have a big baby. When she measured me, she said everything was fine and on track...She cancelled the ultrasound for that day and ordered one a for a few weeks later when they would be able to better assess...after that appointment, she still felt confident that everything looked great. Elizabeth had even moved up to the 28th percentile. She's just going to be our little jelly bean!

Here is a picture of me at 8.5 months before we left for a 4th of July cookout! I know I'm still small considering I only have about 4 weeks to go, but man, can I not move around anywhere. No bending over for me or even rolling out of bed...I have to be pushed or pulled everywhere I go!

Some of the ladies in my small group told me to just relax as much as I can this last month of pregnancy and that I shouldn't feel guilty about just lying around and doing nothing....because it is the last time I will ever get to do it!

Well, I think the nursery is set up to be almost fully functioning and we have received just about everything that we "need". We actually ended up with sooooo many clothes that we had to start returning the ones that had gift receipts, and some places were gracious enough to give us store credit even without a receipt! I felt bad returning gifts, but with all of the outfits we ended up with, there is no way that Elizabeth Grace would ever be able to wear half of what was in her closet and we want to be wise stewards and not hoard. We received tons of hand-me-downs as well, so we kept most of that and tried to make wise decisions with our returns we were able to make. We were then able to purchase some things off of our registry that we really needed.

I already have a box of clothes that were not returnable or some of the hand-me-downs I received already being stored for me to be able to hand down to my next friend that has a girl, should they need them (which they may not since clothes seems to be the hot item at all showers)! Half of the stuff in the box still has tags on them!

Well, 4 weeks to go! I'm ready to see our precious little sweet pea!

Lots of hugs and kisses!

Beverly

Pish Posh

Check out all the food above!! That was from our poetry cafe we had during April's poetry month! Each of my students participated and did a fantastic job. Below is the stage that was set up with a mic (everyone's favorite part), from which they had to perform.

This is my senior honors class who can't take a serious picture to save their lives. They must take after me!

Let me actually rewind a bit and start my tale of sadness and isolation, better known as "Brent left me on a business trip for 12 nights to fend for myself". On top of that, he was gone over my birthday. Now, the original title of my sad song was what I stated above, but wouldn't you know that God likes to write our songs and he actually renamed it "awesomeness". Of course it wasn't awesome that Brent was gone, but the way the Lord provided for me during that time was amazing. Let me just try to list some of the details I remember of what happened while he was gone. The full work week that he was out of town was teacher appreciation week, which meant that lunch was served to us every day so I didn't have to worry about packing a lunch. On top of that, my birthday was unforgettable, thanks to my caring and thoughtful students. I had so many things delivered to me that day from students that I couldn't help but feel special. Also, a group of 11th graders took me out to eat that evening at Chilis...their treat. They even included a yummy chocolate lava cake accompanied with an embarrassing song sung by the staff! Two days later, a group of seniors took me out to dinner at Kobe (one of my absolute favorites) and then out to get Italian ice (all their treat as well). As if that wasn't enough of a blessing, they all chipped in to get me a present. Unfortunately (but fortunately at the same time), I already had what they got me, so I got to return it and convert it to a gift card. This allowed me to buy the bedding for Elizabeth's crib which I so desperately wanted! At the end of the week, I had tickets to go see our school's production of Bye Bye, Birdie, so my friend Monica came over for dinner and then off we went to the musical. On top of thaaaaaaaat.....my good friends from across town called because they needed a sub for Bunco the following week so I was able to spend some time with them! The Lord provided all my needs, kept me surrounded by those that reminded me of His love, and in the gaps in between, I worked on sewing my first dress! (Brent had bought me the materials before I went out of town so I would have a project to work on while he was away!) Below are just some of the treats I had dropped off to me by students before school started the day of my birthday: gourmet cupcakes, gift bags of candy, my favorite drink from Starbucks, a princess wand, helium balloons, etc.

My 11th graders who spoiled me at Chilis

My dress in its unfinished state. I have yet to finish it!
We got our crib in, and this is the bedding that my group of seniors essentially paid for!
This is the most recent picture of me taken at 7 months! You better watch out! I'm starting to pop!

I was grateful for the opportunity to help co-host a baby sprinkle for two ladies in my Sunday school class this past weekend. I don't think I would like to ever be a party planner, but I sure had fun doing the "creative" parts of the sprinkle. As part of the decorations (also doubling as my gift), I made two diaper cakes for each mommy to take home. I even made their cards myself using an old embossing stamp kit I found. On top of a sewing room, I need an arts and crafts room as well.

I'm winding down the final weeks of my teaching career... at least for now. Technically it is only one week because I don't count exam week as "work". Sure, I'm still getting up at the same bat time, but I'm not having to manage 90 kids a day so its almost like a vacation for me! The whole process has been bittersweet as I am walking away from what I would consider to be my dream job! Relationships with the kids is what I will miss most, but there are so many of them that will stay in touch with me that it makes it easier to let go. This chapter in my life is closing and a new one is opening. One of which I am extremely excited about! I always knew I would be a stay-at-home mom. God knew this was the desire of my heart and he has directed our paths in such a way that he has made it possible for me to do so! I am so thankful for my hard-working husband who has the same desire for me! He truly is an amazing man who would do anything for his family! Elizabeth is going to have a great daddy and a great example of how a man should treat a lady.

Glucose test is tomorrow. I wouldn't say I'm not looking forward to it. My biggest concern is just not getting to eat all day like I usually do. I may get the shakes!

Until later...XOXO

April is the Best Month of the Year!

Okay, let me explain the above images! It's been an interesting few past weeks and I really need to start writing stuff down as it happens so I don't leave anything out when it comes time to update everyone! We, of course, celebrated Brent's birthday on the 13th of April. He turned 24....again... As most of you know, we are dropping to one salary in a few short months and are trying to start living within those means now while we have a little breathing room. With that being said, we decided to really scale down when it comes to birthdays! Starting the week of his birthday, I began experiencing some severe back pain on one side that had a mind of its own. My plan was to cook dinner for Brent's birthday, but my back was bothering me so much that afternoon when I got home from work that I didn't feel up to it. Of course, he would have volunteered to cook dinner, but that's just wrong! I decided to treat him out to a casual dinner that night and splurge a little. Nothing was unusual about our experience except when it was time to receive our bill...which never came. Our server finally informed us that the older couple that had been sitting behind us already took care of our dinner. They had already left 10 minutes prior, so with no one to thank we just sat there in disbelief for a minute. The detectives in us took over as we tried to figure out what could have possibly spurred this couple to bless us in such a way. Did they overhear us talking about our grocery shopping budget for the week? Was it because we prayed before our meal and they were fellow believers? Was it because I was pregnant? We had to stop ourselves from hashing this out because we will never know the answer. While Brent and I have been very blessed and had many people, including friends and families do amazing things to help us out (and we don't discredit that help at all!), but we have never been on the end of a blessing in which we had no idea who to thank. It seems like such a small gesture wouldn't have such a profound effect on us, but it has! We have helped others out anonymously before, but what amazing perspective change to be on the other end. One thing is for certain, we will be passing this blessing forward when we feel led!

Okay, so I know that hasn't explain the above pictures! For Brent's birthday cake (he is more of a brownie than cake guy) I made him a pan of brownies. When it came out of the oven, I let it sit for about 10 minutes "to cool down". I decided to stick some candles in the pan and walk into the room he was in and sing Happy Birthday to him. All was well until I went to pull the candles out and realized that you can't stick wax candles inside of brownies boiling like lava! It had melted from both sides! I then had to scoop out craters where the wax had puddled leaving us a battered (no pun intended) pan of brownies!

That weekend, Brent graciously agreed to be my date for the high school prom. It's a long 5 hours of being in a suit as you mostly sit in a room full of kids dancing to some super loud music! The location was absolutely beautiful though! It was on the top floor of the Buena Vista Palace at Disney. I have never been to a dance quite like this before. You didn't feel like you were in a ball room of a hotel. You literally rode the elevator up to the top floor and it opened up into this amazing floor plan that compartmentalized things...and on top of that, the wall was lined with glass windows for an exquisite view. I wish now I would have taken pictures! The few I have are below.
Of course you know I can never take too many serious pictures. It's just not me...2 of my students.
Again, making a silly face. That was my perch for the night. I wore the wrong kind of shoes for a pregnant lady!

Speaking of being pregnant, I know some have bothered me to see an updated picture of the belly, but I honestly could just re-post the picture from 5 months (21 weeks) as nothing has changed! I am currently 6 months, 1 week now (25 weeks)...

Elizabeth Grace has become so strong that when she moves around now, I can just sit and watch my belly move sporadically! Amazing times are ahead of us! I can't wait to start "decorating" the nursery. Right now, her room just seems to be where all the stuff we can't find a place for in our house is being dumped off. Is it sad that instead of the "necessities" I really need off of my registry, I am honestly hoping I will receive the room decor I registered for at Target? I guess that's just the girl in me!

How could I almost forget?? Brent made the last payment on my car last week which means we are completely debt free!!! (except for the mortgage...but who doesn't have one of those at our age?) It's just an amazingly free feeling! Debt really does enslave you! Now that we only pay cash for things, it has made us change our priorities on what we will spend money on, but it's so worth it!!!

The only draw back is that my predominate love language is "gifts". Haha, I'm not thinking drawback because Brent probably wont' be getting me gifts nearly as often, but because it kills me when I want to buy things for other people and my budget won't allow it as often or as extravagantly. I will have to get creative!!

There are probably plenty of other things I could fill you in with, but most of them have slipped my mind!

XOXO

Recap!

Here I am at 5 months! Feels like I've been pregnant forever with very little visible results!



Lots of cool stuff happened this past week and a half, but we'll start with the fact that I am on spring break right now! What an amazing time of rest and relaxation. Of course, I find organizing and cleaning the house relaxing...we finished painting the office back to a neutral color and turned it into the guest room. The guest room has now turned into the nursery, but man does it look empty in there. I can't wait to start decorating at some point, but I'm not even sure where to start. Pretty sure I need a second job to help pay for the fun I could have (and for diapers). Brent and I have been trying to go through and weed out things in the closets and on the bookshelves, donating stuff to Christian Help and storing things that we will want down the road. It's a good thing Brent watches over my shoulder, because if it were up to me, I would throw half of what we own away or give it away. Simplicity is my friend. He's the "what if we need it in five years so lets hold onto it that long" kind of guy! It makes for some fun times!

Its funny how sometimes when you need a pick-me-up the most, its found right outside your front door. My sweet friend, Rebecca, sent me a care package with some parenthood books, a few hardback children's books for Elizabeth and some of the cutest clothes! She used to work at a chic baby boutique and snagged some posh outfits and passed them on to me since so far she has had two boys! It was in the moment that I held up a few of the outfits that it continued to sink in that some tiny person was going to be filling those outfits out in a few short months!


Speaking of my little wiggle worm, she is quite active! It's amazing that I've probably felt her move hundreds of times already, but each time is like a new experience and I am amazed at the wonderful creation God has given me. I always stop what I'm doing and place my hands on my belly so I can feel it inside and out! It actually makes me laugh! What a sweet note Brent left for me one morning on our chalkboard. Made my heart melt!

Invasion of the stranger: had my first experience of someone I didn't know rubbing my belly. I guess it's okay because the lady knows Brent. Its really not a bothersome thing, but maybe a tiny bit awkward because I don't really have a round belly yet. Kind of feels like they are just checking out my abs!

Brent's mom and family came down for Easter so we have been able to spend some time with them. It was nice to not be "alone" on a holiday. Brent and I bought an egg coloring kit about 3 years ago and have yet to color Easter eggs. I made it one step further this year by at least boiling the eggs, but alas, no coloring was completed. Maybe next year! I at least bought some plastic eggs and placed words of affirmation in them for my sweetheart and hid them around the house for him to randomly find as we he went about his day.

My belly isn't really as big as it looks below. Brent had bought this dress for me over the summer at White House Black Market and I had yet to wear it. I was determined to fit in the size 00 before I may never see that size again. We got it zipped up, but that black band was so tight around my lungs I couldn't take deep breaths and the squeezing made my stomach appear to protrude. I'm also sticking my belly out as far as it will go! 5.5 months here!

Oh, I almost forgot. Brent and I registered at Target and Babysrus 2 weekends ago and I have never felt so excited about something, but so clueless and exhausted after two hours. For the most part, I thought it would be like when I registered for our wedding. Just go pick out things according to my "taste". Not so when you are looking at a wall of bottles each claiming to do something different. Safety is the priority now and when you've never had a baby before, you're at a loss for what you should choose. Let's just say I'm glad the registering process is over!

One last thing. Now that we are going down to one salary, its interesting how picky you become over spending money. On my first day of spring break, I took a Joann's gift card Brent had given to me at Christmas, to pick out some fabric to make something for Elizabeth. After my 35 minute car drive and a wisk around the store I left without anything I had gone to get. I can't bear to frivolously spend my money now unless its something I "can't live without". Also, not having to have "brand new" stuff is starting to set in. Brent and I went to Once Upon a Child yesterday to look around and walked out with 8 children's books (6 of which are hardback) for $14. While it would be nice to have brand new books from Borders, the price of one book there got us 8 books that had been gently used! We will continue to hunt for bargains!

Wow, so much to catch everyone up on....I could go on about my crazy dreams I continue to have, but I've considered writing a book that contains all my weird pregnancy dreams...I might just have it published! haha!

And 4 months later....

I have finally found time to update, or maybe I should say I finally have some motivation! Well, I'm pregnant...5 months and 1 week to be exact. Brent really needs to take a profile picture of me to show how not pregnant I look so I can remember that feeling forever!

If you read the Christmas post, you will remember that we had 6 couples in our group pregnant at the time, and 2 more made announcements that night. We knew we were pregnant while at that party, but it was too early to make the announcement. I thought my running to the bathroom after chewing up a mouthful of Brie was enough to give it away to some!

Christmas wasn't quite the relaxing experience we had been hoping for. The last week of work I started feeling "all day sickness" creeping on as well as a terrible head cold that left me literally in bed for half of my 2 week break! I didn't bother going to the doctor because I knew I wouldn't be able to take any antibiotics, so over-the-counter medicines that really don't work was all I was left with! No puzzles were put together and we made it out only for the things we couldn't avoid. Even Christmas morning gift time was interrupted by several instances of my needing to make sure I didn't vomit.

School started back and I finally had my first experience of hanging my head over the toilet for 5 ralphing sessions the morning of my first day. Being at work was miserable because no one knew I was pregnant, but I felt so awful.

After our 12 week visit to Winnie Palmer, we were finally able to make the announcement to everyone! Just this past week at my 20 week appointment we found out we are having a little girl!! (I sent a special order in to God and he saw fit to grant my desire) Elizabeth Grace should be here around August 6th. We are now in the middle of hunting for second hand furniture or at least some really good deals! Family and friends are being so generous with us by lending us some big dollar items while they aren't being used. One of my biggest gratitudes goes to my Sunday school teacher who let me borrow probably around 100 pieces of maternity clothes for all stages of my pregnancy. I'm hoping to get by without spending hardly anything on clothes!! God has been so good to us and has blessed us beyond measure.

Why all the budgeting and being careful with the $$? Brent and I made the decision around Christmas that it would benefit our family for me to become a stay-at-home mom. I've already started working on my budget grocery shopping skills. Just last night we received $40 in free groceries just by my becoming a "smart shopper". Its an exciting time, a bit of a scary time thinking about one salary, but a time I know God will carry us through if we are faithful to him and make wise decisions about our finances. We will just have to get over the fact that vacations are a thing of the past and going out to eat is a luxury that won't occur very often!

I promise I will update more often now that I am feeling a lot better! My sewing machine has collected dust over the last 5 months as I have not felt like doing much of anything and now won't have anywhere to be set up since we have to make room for a nursery. I say its a good trade though ;)