Struggles

I have dealt with anxiety and depression all my life. My father is to thank for the anxiety part of it, or so I believe. He prepares for worst case scenarios (because you always have to have a plan), wakes up at 5 a.m. in the morning to start thinking of all he has to accomplish during his day (yes, even still at 66), and he has been known to walk out of movie theaters halfway through a movie, not because he wanted a refund for a terrible show, but because he believed there was more he could be doing with his time. How I wish I could be carefree and not feel like my world is going to collapse if I don’t have a plan! When I was teaching, I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking about my classes, always wanting things to be planned perfectly. Housework? If I thought the weekly cleaning wasn’t going to be completed by the time I thought it should, I would completely freeze and melt down. My slight OCD plays a part in this as well. There must be an order to everything and I must follow that order. I even have an order by which I clean my house. All of room A must be complete before I can move on to room B, and B NEVER gets cleaned before A. And of course, there is the social anxiety I deal with from time to time. I received acute shyness from my mom (who hid underneath furniture as a little girl when guests would come over to their house). Even now, when someone has to call in a take-out order, I avoid it at all cost! In middle school, my brother made me cry because he forced me to go into a grocery store to buy orange juice to take home and I didn’t want to interact with the check-out lady. I am also a thinker and to me, there always needs to be clarification to any question. For this reason, I hate interviews. It’s not because I don’t believe I have a product to sell, but because I dread not knowing the questions ahead of time because I need the luxury of time to thoughtfully think about my answers. I don’t do “off the cuff”. For instance, I was once asked in an interview what my favorite book was (I taught English), but to me, there’s a ton of qualifiers to that question and I always feel like I need clarification. How am I supposed to pull out one single book of all time? Are you asking according to genre? Time period? A particular movement? And I feel dumb that I have to clarify questions because I always see more than one answer, or if I have to take a moment or two to think through my answer. Maybe I should just have my stock selections ahead of time and not care about clarification…just give an answer…but I like to be thorough and genuine. It just takes time for me to process and get the answer back out of my mouth. I’ve been labeled “snotty” and “stuck-up” by people who don’t know me very well thanks to my shyness. I have very strong facial features and when I am quiet a lot, people tend to find me intimidating or rude. If I have ever not returned one of your phone calls, it’s not because I don’t like you, but because talking on the phone stresses me out.

How in the world did I become a teacher, you may wonder. A job that makes you multi-task like a circus clown doing a juggling act, a job that makes you throw plan A out the window alongside plan B because it’s not working and coming up with a new plan on the spot, a job that makes you stand up in front of 25 high school students staring at you while you talk, and taking charge at the same time if any of them crosses you. I have no answer to that except divine intervention. I’m a different person when I walk in the classroom and God gives me the coping mechanisms I need to not only complete my job, but enjoy it.

So depression too? I think that stems from the anxiety. When I reach the point where I can’t handle my anxiety anymore, I become depressed. The best way I feel that I can deal with a situation is to sleep. There are times when depression sets in for no reason. The whole “Bev, what’s wrong?” – “I don’t know” scenario. I have an awesome life. I hold onto my faith, my husband, my beautiful daughter, my strong support group, but sometimes it’s unavoidable. People often say, “Just think positive thoughts,” “Count your blessings,” “It’s all in your head,” “Just be happy.” It’s as if they think I can flip a switch in my brain. The problem isn’t that I’m not thinking positively, or have lost sight of being extremely blessed, or that I’m “sad”. I also hate when I hear people say that something is very wrong if a Christian is depressed and that I shouldn’t allow myself to feel this way, as if I have a choice. Some of the most Godly examples such as Job and David suffered bouts of depression.

A few years back, I was put on medication to help deal with my anxiety. It definitely worked, but I hated the whole “cloudy” feeling it gave my head. I wouldn’t feel anxious or depressed, but I also seemed to not be able to experience excitement. Everything was just a mediocre reaction. The medication didn’t last long as I decided I’d rather deal with the anxiety and depression on my own than not be able to experience a wide range of emotions.

Writing used to help me deal when I struggled with bouts of depression, but I have lost my motivation to write much in the past five or six years. As soon as I receive a new wind of inspiration, it leaves me just as quickly.

So today, and yesterday, and the day before have been hard for me. I know the storm won’t last much longer as it usually passes by within days, but if I have ever seemed not interested in talking to you, or don’t make much sense, or take too much time, or need clarification when answering your questions, or constantly let phone calls go to voice mail, please know that it’s nothing personal.

This has been therapeutic.